Final Parody X
by 4nonymous
Summary: Yuna gets drunk. Aeons play blitzball (or at least, they have an attempt). Seymour gets a haircut. Get your daily dose of randomness today!


FINAL PARODY X

Chapter 1.1 wedding day - temple

"By the power invested by Yevon into me, I now pronounce you husband and may kiss the bride", the priest said, secretly hoping for a divorce.

Rikku closed her eyes and thought: "I can't watch this. If i do, i won't eat for a week. EWW!"

Yuna did as she had to. At that moment, she was a bit jealous of Rikku, who could freely turn her back at the scene, but she had to take part in the scene, not only watch it. She prayed that no one would have to go through what she was going through then, and threw her bouquet.

"Sorry!", Lulu said, releasing a fireball that caused the plastic flowers to melt. Her 'mistake' was highly appreciated by Tidus, who was laughing, and Rikku, who hugged her dearly.

"Guess what might happen tonight!", Rikku said.

"I think i know what you think about. And i honestly hope it doesn't happen", Tidus replied.

"I agree. I don't want a quarter-Guado parasite to look after". Lulu smiled, agreeing in her own silent way.

An awkward silence struck them as they left the temple. Yuna felt as if she had forgotten to do something important.

"Wait!"Shiva shouted, a bit disappointed by Yuna's forgetfulness about her main purpose.

Then an evil thought came to Yuna's mind, and she started laughing.

BWHAHAHA!

Even Seymour was a bit frightened, and suddenly he thought the wedding was not such a good idea after all.

Chapter 1.2 wedding day - restaurant

Auron was trying to get some peace and quiet in the crowded restaurant. He was tired of signing autographs, shaking hands and shooing fangirls away. Day off or not, he had to guard Yuna, not deal with shallow minded people.

A kid approached him, looking very shy.

"Err... I think my wallet was stolen...", he said.

"Buy a new one", Auron replied, clearly annoyed by what people did just to start a conversation with him.

"But my money was inside the wallet", the kid said.

"Exactly".

The kid left, then Auron started thinking about what Rikku was doing. Stealing at a wedding. She had the Steal ability, she was opposed to the wedding from the very beginning, and she was bored.

But he soon gave up trying to guess what she was going to do, as he had something more useful to do, like guarding Yuna. He drank half bottle of vodka, and returned to his post.

"Dammit! where's my shoe?" a woman welled.

"Where's Ifrit?! Someone stole my aeon!" Dona yelled.

"My blitzball!" Tidus yelled.

"It's MY blitzball, ya", Wakka said. "Wait a minute...You lost it?"

Tidus had a guilty look on his face. It was obvious that he had lost it. Or had it stolen.

"Hey guys! Have you seen Yunie?" Her face was far too innocent to believe. "I'm bored.

I'm going to teach some aeons to play blitzball. But...I need... Aeons...And a blitzball. And some shoes! Yea, lots of shoes. And..."

"What else?" Wakka asked, seemingly attracted by the idea of aeon blitzball.

"Uh...Those...thingies...Seymour's hair!"

Wakka's face turned whiter than Yuna's dress. First: how to get them? Second: Why the hell did Rikku need it for?

"What is it, Wakka?" Auron asked. "You look like you've been called a traitor, again".

"I need a piercing weapon, ya! Can i borrow yours, ya?"

It was obvious that he was up to no good. Besides, he wouldn't even be able to wield it.

So Auron kept his weapon, and Wakka left empty-handed. As for Tidus...

"Hey Kimahri!" Tidus' eyes were following his spear as he thought how to confuse Kimahri into giving it to him. Have i ever told you how nice your...fur...is? It is so...blue and...soft" (Damn, I can't reach his spear. He holds it too tightly) I was wondering if you need that spear of yours? Can i borrow it for just a few minutes?"

Tidus put on an innocent, childish face, which made Kimahri suspicious.

"Kimahri need spear to protect Yuna. Yuna need be safe, Kimahri keep Yuna safe"

"Who is going to attack her at her own wedding? In a restaurant! Full of Guado military!"(apart from the Guado military, obviously. I think I got him)

"Tidus right. Kimahri give Tidus weapon, if Tidus give Kimahri weapon".

So they traded. Now back to Rikku's crazy plan.

Tidus was welcomed with a pat on the head. Not exactly what he expected, but it made him feel proud. He would have felt prouder to be patted on the head as a dog, but still, it was better than nothing.

"WTF-OMFG Tidus! You did it! Okay. Wakka, i'm leaving you out of this part, because you seem a bit sensitive about doing anything to Seymour. Go talk to Lulu to give us 2 belts!"

"MAESTER Seymour or LORD Seymour" Shelinda whispered.

"Nah, just Seymour" Rikku said.

"Is 'just' a new title?", Shelinda asked.

"Pretty much", Rikku replied, showing a mischevious grin.

Shelinda ran off, happy about the new fake piece of information she got.

Rikku whispered to Tidus: "I already borrowed Anima from him, but i don't know how it can play blitzball. Now you have to distract him, while i cut off his hair."

"Yuna, Seymour... I wanted to personally congratulate you on your wedding. It is truly...cool...that...erm...you want to save the world together and...uh...(Rikku, hurry)Well, i wish you have a happy life together and probably get to tolerate each other"

He then ran off, rikku sneaking behind people and stealing their shoes. They were laughing when they got to their 'headquarters'. Let's see how Wakka is doin', ya?

"Wakka. What brings you here?"Lulu said, hiding an uneasy happiness of being alone with him.

And maybe hoping that he wanted to dance with her...

"I was wondering if you could lend me 2 belts from your dress...Rikku needs them."

"Rikku seems up to no good against Seymour. Here, take them."

So she took 4 belts out of her dress and gave them to Wakka, who took them to Rikku.

"I think I might have forgotten something..." she said having a guilty facial expression. "We son't have a blitzball stadium. Wakka, can you go to Lulu again to ask her to cast Waterga in the air to make one?"

"Sure, ya. But why me, ya?"

"Just do it"

He was obviously looking forward to another conversation with Lulu. He wished she liked him, at least.

"So, Lu, you look good tonight."

"What now?"She asked, a bit amused.

"We need you to cast an enormous water sphere... About the size of a blitzball stadium, ya?"

"Sure! Just let me finish drinking this Ether."(I wonder what they are up to?)

Chapter 1.3 wedding day - aeon blitzball

"Anima, here. Bahamut, here. Charizard, here. *several aeons and pokemons later* Ramuh, here. That concludes the list. Do you know to play blitz?"

"Pika pika!"came the answer.

"Do you speak human, elfish or Al Bhed language? Nevermind. You need to...Wakka, explain the rules. At least some of them will understand"

*Wakka explains blitzball rules to the aeons, and split them in teams*

They entered the blitzball sphere one by one. Ifrit was extinguished. Shiva melted. Bahamut rusted. Ixion electrocuted everyone else, except Anima, who was too large to enter the sphere. He looked so sad...

"I...didn't expect that" Rikku said. "At least i have 27 new shoes, and none has a pair!"

"So why did you need Seymour's hair and Lulu's belts anyway? And the shoes don't fit the aeons' feet. Only Shiva could put on a male shoe"

"What do you think the gates are made of? See? The vertical pillars are made of Seymour's hair, and they are tied together with Lulu's belts. I could have used broomsticks or mops, but Seymour's hair needed to be cut off anyway."

As smart people would have already guessed, aeon blitzball was an epic fail, known only by the ones who tried it, and by the aeons who survived. And as they could not speak human, elfish or Al Bhed, no human or elf would ever find out about it. Except for

Yuna. She watched everything through a window, happier than ever. Her crazy friends did something better than what she could not do. She wanted to give Seymour a Sending. They gave him a haircut, which he didn't even notice until the next day. The wedding was surely the worst decision of his life.

Wakka got his ball back, Lulu put on the missing belts, Tidus and Kimahri exchanged weapons again, Rikku gave Seymour's hair to Cid in case the airship needed spare parts, Auron seemed not to care and Yuna seemed eager to become a typical human wife and used Seymour as a slave. He will soon beg for a Sending.

Chapter 1.4 wedding night - Who's the boss now?

Later that night, most of the guests were drunk. A really drunk guest attempted kidnapping Yuna, to see if her beloved husband would try to rescue her. He just sat there, watching. The guest dropped Yuna off his shoulder when he saw himself surrounded by her 6 guardians with their weapons/magic ready for use. Then the crowd carried the fresh married into a small room, surrounded in a romantic atmosphere, with candles lit around the matrimonial bed.

"I hope you find floors comfortable, 'cause I ain't sharing", drunk Yuna said. There must have been a beer hidden among all those Ethers she drank.

"I am a Maester of Yevon. I am superior to you! You do what I say!".

Yuna laughed disdainfully, saying: "I'm a traitor, remember? But I'm a minor by civil law, so anything you do to me can be considered harassment, and if the Police hears about that, you'll be spending your immortality behind bars."

Seymour realised that she was right. As a citizen of Spira, he had to abide to the civil law as well. Marriage for the good of Spira was certainly the worst decision of his life.

"You can't do the Sending here. There is not enough space."

"So you want a Sending, now? Believe me, i did it during the bride and groom dance, but the Farplane said you were too ugly to be accepted. Now I'm stuck with you. By the way, Rikku did a nice job to your hair!"

Silence struck as an arrow. He rushed to the nearby mirror and, as he saw the masterpiece, shouted:

NOOOOOOOO!

Yuna was obviously drunk. She had never drunk alcohol before. She was a minor, after all. But still, she didn't say 'sir' or 'lady' before every single name she mentioned, so that was proof enough of the fact that she was drunk.

Chapter 1.5 the day after the wedding - dafuq happened?

Yuna woke up the next morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the Seymour was naked.

"Maester Seymour. Praise be to Yevon for this most pleasant wedding. I sincerely hope to make a good wife to you, and would be grateful if you allowed me to continue my pilgrimage. (he looks confused. I wonder what happened? And why am I so dizzy?). I hope to bring peace to Spira together."

"You seem to have recovered. You were drunk. But still, you dumped Yevon. I can do nothing to you as by civil law it is illegal and Anima is not here to...how do mortals say it...yes, to bail me out."

Yuna smiled. All was going according to her plan.

Actually, she didn't have a plan, but she would just try to get him on the verge of desperation.

"Let's go shopping!"She said.

"Oh no...", he thought.

"Nay! We go to the hairstylist first!"

So this was the punishment of calling Yuna and her guardians traitors. He was now powerless against her, and damn he deserved it.

Chapter 1.6 The day Seymour looked...normal...by human standards

In front of the hairstylist's salon, 6 people were waiting, while the 7th was pushing the 8th through the door. With no success, it seems.

"I changed my mind. We buy you clothes first. You don't even fit through the door."

They somehow managed to push Seymour through a door. Auron and Kimahri both pushed him, because the thing he was wearing was too rigid and got stuck. The shop assistant went to them: "How may i help you?", she asked.

"My...husband...needs some wearable clothes."

"I understand why", the shop assistant whispered, so only Yuna could hear. Her guardians were outside, anyway, minding their own business.

She smiled, and started picking clothes for him. She picked a pair of jeans, quite rare in Spira, and a hoodie with a zipper, because nothing else would get beyond his prominent hair strand.

Of course, he had to get undressed by half outside the fitting room. Fortunately, she picked the right size. She paid, threatening him to pay her back or work for her until the price has been paid back. They left the store and went to the stylist.

"How may I help you?"The stylist said, staring horrified at the state of her client's hair.

"Make him look normal, if that is possible".

The stylist got her tools ready and attempted washing his hair.

"I am a Maester of Yevon. How dare you filthy mortal touch my hair...who gave you the permission..."

She silenced him by showering him in the mouth, saying: "I do what I am paid to do."

She was surprised by the fact that his hair strand would not de-rigidify itself even after being washed, so she attempted cutting it off. "Great. My scissors are stuck."

Yuna returned, dragging Kimahri's spear. "Use this", she said.

And that was the day Seymour's appearance was considered acceptable. But would the Farplane accept him now?

Chapter 1.7 The last attempt of Sending Seymour

They all returned to the hotel where the restaurant was. Drunk or hungover people were still there, sleeping under tables or struggling to keep their balance as they walked. Dona, Isaaru and Belgemine were still there, looking for their (dead) aeons.

Yuna drank an Ether, pretending to have drunk some vodka, which would have probably killed her. Wakka was busy getting Lulu's attention. Tidus and Rikku were planning something greater than aeon blitzball, and Auron and Kimahri were actually guarding Yuna. They didn't seem to notice it was their day off.

"Hey Dona, do you like the music?", Yuna asked.

"No.", she answered.

"Cool. Let's dance a Sending. Isaaru? Belgemine? Would you like to join us?"

"Sounds like fun!", they said in unison. ("They look nice together, and seem to get along well", Yuna thought)

They surrounded Seymour from 4 directions and started dancing the Sending. Yuna's guardians joined up, too, soon followed by drunk Crusaders and Guado military.

A robotic voice, probably from the Farplane, said:

SYSTEM FAIL.

ERROR ASDF1234.

Memory available: 95 MB

Memory required: 5 GB

Insufficient Disk space.

Operation Abort

[retry][cancel]

They kicked out some other people from the Farplane.

[RETRY]

SYSTEM FAIL.

ERROR ASDF1234.

Memory available: 4.8 GB

Memory required: 5 GB

Insufficient Disk space.

Operation Abort

[retry][cancel]

Damn. We were so close! They kicked out one more person from the Farplane.

Successfully Sent Seymour.

Application will now close.

[done]

*Note: here, Farplane = Recycle Bin


End file.
